And I said to myself: Enough

I really like winning.
If you've ever played a board game with me, a questions game, or any game really, you know for certain that I'm all about competition. It's actually intense, how seriously I take games. I love winning, mainly because I hate losing.
There is one game, however, in which I always find myself as the loser. I hate playing it, and yet, can't seem to stop.
This highly addictive and terrible pastime is the comparison game.
The past few weeks I've been experiencing more than ever a tug in my heart to finally let go of this terribly bad habit that really messes me up. It corrodes me from the inside out and affects how I view myself and others.
There are many things that fall under the category of "things in which I waste time comparing myself to others". I want to specifically address one in particular because by exposing it I get it off my chest and take the power away from the secrecy.
If you are reading this, and are motivated by curiosity, boredom or judgement, please stop right here. If, on the contrary, you can identity, or would pray for me or help me to be accountable, then please carry on reading...

I've given much thought to writing about this because I don't want it to be just another "love yourself" post. That motto can get old, and especially in today's self-indulging culture, people seem to focus more and more on self-gratification, and less in real self-improvement and love for others. I don't want to glorify myself, but I do need to learn to love myself.

It seems that I have a special talent to find flaws in myself (and others, but especially myself). Every day I look at my own reflection and cannot find one thing that I honestly, genuinely like about the way I look. That right there is a gigantic red flag the size of Canada. However, it's become so common, so every-day-habit to me, that I don't even notice it anymore. Whenever I try to rationalize my thoughts, I think, "well, I don't like the way I look now, but that's because I don't look the way I did before", or "I'm sure I'll like myself as I mature more in years and confidence". The reality, however, is that none of that is true.
Looking back at old pictures I see a much, much thinner Rebeca, who was self-conscious and embarrassed of her looks and "lack of curves". And I still remember the struggle all throughout my teenage years. So the truth is that I've never really been OK with my own body, not when I was skinnier and younger, not now, nor will I be in the future.
Unless I break the cycle.
I really, really want to be free from all this.
Admitting this to myself is already pretty big, but it's only the first step. You would think that at 25 years of age I would have already figured this out, but life is not as ideal as we would want it to be sometimes. Opening up to the new habit of being thankful for God's grace and uniqueness in my life I know will bring forth the opportunity to have a healthy approach to self-esteem, physical, mental and emotional health that will overflow to every aspect of life.
So at some point last week it dawned on me: If I want to start loving myself, with all the intricate details that God put into creating me fearfully and wonderfully, which better time than this? Why not now? What's keeping me from starting to rebuild a new perspective, a new lifestyle? Nothing but fear.
And fear is a liar.
And I refuse to let fear get in the way of reaching God's potential for my life.
I need to start with myself because I cannot give what I do not have.
It starts with me.
Today.