My confession

Here is the truth: 

My name is Rebeca and I am a grace hoarder.

There, it's out in the open. No we can move on.

The struggle is real.

In my life

At this very moment.

Like never before in  my twenty five years I am aware of how much I need it for myself, and how little I share it.

I'm talking about grace.

Although I will not even attempt to define what grace is, and everything that entitles ( mainly because I would fail miserably at it); I do need to say what's been heavily burdening my heart.

I want it all.

Every little bit of it.

I need it. All the grace that I can get.

Grace for every single moment of every single day.

Without it, I am fairly certain that the One upstairs would have stricken me down with a lightning bolt a very very very long time ago.

All jokes aside. I am a sinner. I'm actually pretty good at it. And because deep down in my heart (sometimes deeper than others) I truly want to love and honor God in everything that I do, I recognize my constant and gigantic need for grace.

So I pray. I ask for it. And I know that He knows what I need before I even say the word.

The problem then lies in the fact that I want it all to myself.

I've never liked sharing. Growing up, I never liked sharing with my brothers or friends, and now as a young adult I still don't like sharing my friends, my finances or my food (just to name a few).

How is it possible, though, that I can't seem to share the grace, the abundant and ridiculous amounts of grace that God extends to me every single day?

I don't know. As I'm typing these words I still don't have the answer for that.

I just know that being graceful to others is one of the most difficult things for me to do.

There. It sounds terrible (because it is), but I don't see a point in hiding the truth. On the contrary, revealing it sheds light on the problem, allows me to get clarity and shows others the mess I am and the beauty of our loving Father.

Why I am babbling about this then? Because I am tired of making up excuses. Tired of saying to myself and those close to me that being graceful doesn't just come naturally to me, that it's not in my nature, that it's just not my personality.

The transforming and life giving power of the Gospel and the resurrection ain't about what's natural or easy.

Is about bringing life to dry bones.

And I want that to be me.

I know that I have been given grace. And I know that God's intent for my life is to love others as He loves me. I know that I have to die to myself and remind myself every day that "mercy triumphs over judgment:"

Like the whore in Hosea's story, I am in desperate need of grace, with which the perfect Lord has showered me without holding it back, IN SPITE of my continuous rebellion.

How can I, then, not show mercy to my brother, or my sister, or especially my neighbor who's far from grace?!

I can't. 

I cannot hoard God's gift as if I deserved it better than the person next to me.

I can't judge my neighbor just because they sin differently than I do.

"De gracia han recibido; den de gracia." ~ Mateo 10:8